What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 04:20
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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Who then, do I blame.?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it wasn’t much.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We were not on the streets..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i do to all so called friends.?
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was 9 years of age.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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My life is so biszare .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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I have no regrets .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Atheists who have read the Bible and think that contains immoral things, why do you assume that?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I don,t even have a pension.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My family never makes their pension either.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why do men say women hit the wall at 24?
And i lived it daily.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Isn’t freedom of speech and expression an absolute right?
Put me off passion for life!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Ive learnt so much.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One cannot live in the past .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I said to her
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He knew the spot.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
When she asked me how she looked .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
This is soul school!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So whats the point in blame.
I was very sick at this time too.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She wouldn,t have been !
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But ive been too sick for many years..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But, we were locked up after school.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Comes on , in middle age.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So, i spoilt her more .
We all went to grammer schools
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was scared of men, in general
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She loved him until the end.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Would this be the day?
It was going to be , some day.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
All the time i was locked up.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I think the readers, may guess!
She was in good health!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I could never make a relationship work though!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She found it foreign!.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
What did i know ?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im still living with it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I write beautiful poetry .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I will be 64.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I waited trembling.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She married twice! .